Who Takes Care of the Caregiver? When Years of Caring for Someone Else Mean Putting Yourself Last
When Dolly Parton spoke publicly about her health after losing her husband, Carl Dean, she said something that caregivers everywhere understood immediately.
Carl had been sick for a long time. Dolly had spent those years watching over the man she had loved for nearly six decades. And somewhere in the middle of taking care of him, she stopped paying enough attention to herself.
In October 2025, Dolly explained:
“When he passed, I didn't take care of myself, so I let a lot of things go that I should've been taking care of.”
Those words are especially meaningful now, following Dolly's death at age 80 on August 25, 2026.
But this isn't a story about whether caregiving caused Dolly's illness or her death. We cannot say that, and we shouldn't. Her publicist said Dolly died following a brief battle with cancer, but there is no evidence showing that caring for Carl caused her cancer.
This is about something Dolly herself told us happened: while caring for someone she loved, she let her own health needs go.
And millions of caregivers know exactly how that happens.
“I'll Take Care of Me Later”
Caregivers rarely wake up one morning and decide that their own health no longer matters.
It happens little by little.
You cancel a doctor's appointment because your husband isn't having a good day.
You postpone the mammogram because you can't leave your wife alone.
You don't refill something on time because you've spent the entire week keeping track of somebody else's medications.
You haven't slept through the night in months.
You're eating whatever is easiest because preparing another meal feels like one more job you don't have the energy to do.
Something hurts, but you tell yourself you'll get it checked eventually.
You're exhausted, but there isn't anyone coming through the door to relieve you.
So you keep going.
Tomorrow becomes next week. Next week becomes next month. Sometimes months become years.
The person you love needs you, and your own needs slowly move farther and farther down the list.
I Understand How It Happens
I understand Dolly's words in a very personal way.
My husband Mike was diagnosed with dementia at only 53 years old and passed away at 60. I cared for him at home for approximately seven years.
When you're caring for someone with dementia, your life becomes centered around keeping that person safe.
You're thinking about medications, meals, appointments, wandering, falls, bathing, behavioral changes, confusion, nighttime wake-ups and a hundred other things that people outside the caregiving world may never see.
You're constantly watching.
Constantly listening.
Constantly anticipating what might happen next.
Your mind rarely completely shuts off.
And somewhere along the way, you can stop asking an important question:
How am I doing?
Not because you don't care about yourself.
Because you're trying to survive today.
I know now how easy it was for my own needs to become secondary. At the time, however, there was always something involving Mike that felt more urgent.
That's what caregiving can do.
Caregiver Self-Neglect Is a Real Health Concern
This isn't simply something caregivers talk about among themselves.
The CDC recognizes caregiving as a public-health issue and reports that caregivers frequently neglect their own health needs. Caregiving can bring physical, emotional, psychological and financial strain.
Research has also found that numerous measures of health are worse among caregivers than non-caregivers.
So when a caregiver tells you they're exhausted, overwhelmed or haven't been to their own doctor in a long time, please don't dismiss it.
And please don't assume the solution is simply telling them:
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
They probably already know.
The real question is:
How are they supposed to do that?
Self-Care Isn't Always a Bubble Bath and a Day Off
We use the words self-care so often that sometimes I think we've forgotten what they mean for a caregiver.
For someone providing around-the-clock care, self-care may mean having someone trustworthy stay with their loved one long enough for them to have a physical.
It may mean getting a mammogram.
Having bloodwork done.
Going to the dentist.
Getting enough sleep.
Taking their own medications correctly.
Eating a real meal.
Walking outside for 20 minutes without worrying about what is happening inside the house.
Talking to another adult.
Going to church.
Sitting somewhere quietly.
Or simply being able to leave the house without being responsible for another human being for a few hours.
Those things shouldn't be luxuries.
We Need to Stop Telling Caregivers to Ask for Help When There Is No Help Available Donna's Story
This is one of the hardest truths about caregiving.
We tell caregivers:
Ask for help.
But what happens when they've already asked?
What happens when family members live far away?
What happens when relatives don't want to get involved?
What happens when professional home care costs more than the family can afford?
What happens when the person with dementia refuses to let anyone else stay with them?
What happens when respite programs have waiting lists?
What happens when the caregiver doesn't trust anyone else to manage the behaviors they've spent years learning to understand?
You cannot solve those problems with the words “take care of yourself.”
Caregivers need actual support.
They need affordable respite care.
They need adult day programs.
They need access to home-care assistance.
They need doctors who ask about the caregiver's health too.
They need family members who don't just say, “Call me if you need anything,” but instead say, “I'm coming Thursday. What can I take off your plate?”
Sometimes they simply need someone to show up.
If You Love a Caregiver, Don't Wait for Them to Ask
One thing I wish more people understood is that caregivers can become so overwhelmed that asking for help becomes another task.
Instead of saying:
“Let me know if you need anything.”
Try:
“I'm bringing dinner Tuesday. What time should I come?”
Or:
“I'll stay with him for two hours while you go to your appointment.”
Or:
“Give me your grocery list.”
Or:
“I'm free Saturday afternoon. Go somewhere. I'll handle things here.”
Specific help is much easier to accept than a general offer.
And sometimes that small amount of help might be what allows a caregiver to finally take care of something they've been postponing for themselves.
Caregivers: Please Put Yourself Back on the List
I know how difficult this is.
When the person you love is sick, their needs feel bigger than yours.
Their appointment seems more important.
Their medication seems more important.
Their sleep seems more important.
Their comfort seems more important.
But you matter too.
If you've postponed a medical appointment, make the call.
If something in your body has changed, don't automatically dismiss it because somebody else has bigger health problems.
If you're overdue for routine screenings, talk with your healthcare provider about getting caught up.
If you're exhausted beyond what feels manageable, tell someone.
And if you need respite care, ask your doctor's office, local Area Agency on Aging, community organizations or caregiver-support programs what may be available where you live. Respite can sometimes be provided in the home, through adult day services or through short-term residential care.
You don't have to earn the right to take care of yourself.
Dolly's Words Are Worth Remembering
Just days before her death, Dolly again spoke about the health problems she hadn't paid attention to while watching over Carl.
Those words deserve to be heard by caregivers everywhere.
Not because we know what would have happened differently if Dolly had focused on her health sooner.
We don't.
But because she described something millions of caregivers quietly experience.
You spend years taking care of someone you love.
You tell yourself you'll take care of yourself tomorrow.
Then tomorrow keeps getting pushed farther away.
If Dolly's words remind even one caregiver to schedule an overdue appointment, accept an offer of help, tell someone they're struggling or realize that their health matters too, then perhaps there is something important we can carry forward from her experience.
Caring for someone you love is one of the greatest acts of love we can give.
But the caregiver is a person worth caring for, too.
And maybe instead of always asking caregivers:
“How is your loved one doing?”
we need to start asking another question just as often:
“How are YOU doing?”
💜 CareDonna 💜
Supporting the people who spend so much of their lives supporting everyone else.
A Note from CareDonna: This article is intended for caregiver education and support and is not medical advice. Dolly Parton's public comments are discussed only as an example of caregiver self-neglect. There is no evidence that caregiving caused her cancer or her death. If you have delayed medical care or have concerning symptoms, please speak with a qualified healthcare professional.
