Dementia and Driving: When Your Loved One Refuses to Give Up the Keys

One of the hardest things about dementia caregiving is that sometimes you have to become the bad guy when you are really just trying to keep the person you love safe. Driving is one of those situations. They may look at you and tell you there is absolutely nothing wrong with their driving. They may get angry, accuse you of trying to control them or tell you that you are treating them like a child. Meanwhile, you may be sitting there thinking, How do I make you understand that I am not trying to take something away from you? I am scared something is going to happen to you.

I remember this being part of my own journey with Mike. He had been a truck driver for around 38 years, so driving wasn't just something he did to get from one place to another. It was a huge part of his life. This was a man who had spent decades behind the wheel. One of the first things that made me realize something wasn't right was when he started missing exits. Think about how difficult it would be to tell someone with that much driving experience that you are now worried about whether they should be driving. In their mind, they may have been driving longer than you've even been an adult. They don't necessarily see what you're seeing.

That is what makes this subject so difficult.

They May Truly Believe They Are Fine

Something I think we have to remember as caregivers is that our loved one may not be trying to be difficult. They may honestly believe there is nothing wrong with their driving. They can still find the keys. They know how to start the car. They know which pedal makes it go and which one makes it stop. They may be able to drive down the road and look perfectly fine.

But driving is so much more than knowing how to operate a car.

You have to remember where you're going, pay attention to signs and traffic lights, stay in the correct lane, judge the speed and distance of other vehicles and react quickly when something unexpected happens. Dementia can affect memory, judgment, attention, reaction time and the ability to process everything happening around us. Someone may still remember how to drive while no longer being able to make all of those decisions safely.

And unfortunately, sometimes we see those changes before they do.

Sometimes the Signs Start Out Small

It doesn't always begin with a wreck. Sometimes it's missing a turn they've made hundreds of times. Maybe they come home much later than expected and can't really explain where they were. Maybe there are new scratches or dents on the car and they don't know how they got there. Maybe they become confused at intersections, drive much slower than they used to, have trouble staying in their lane or suddenly get lost going somewhere they've been going for years.

Sometimes the moment that changes everything is simply riding in the passenger seat with them and realizing you are scared.

If you've experienced that, you know exactly what I mean.

Locks and home safety.

Your heart starts racing. You're watching every car around you. You're trying not to make them nervous, but you're also wondering whether you need to say something. And somewhere inside you, you may already know that this isn't safe anymore.

That realization hurts because you know what may have to come next.

To Them, It Isn't Just About a Car

This is something I think we sometimes overlook. When we say, “You can't drive anymore,” they may hear something completely different.

They may hear, You aren't capable anymore.

They may hear, You have to depend on me now.

They may hear, You can't go anywhere unless somebody gives you permission.

For most of us, driving represents independence. We don't think much about it. We grab our keys and go to the grocery store. We decide we want a cup of coffee and leave. We visit a friend. We go for a drive just because we feel like getting out of the house.

Imagine someone suddenly telling you that you can't do that anymore.

It doesn't mean we should allow someone to continue driving when they are unsafe. We absolutely have to think about their safety and the safety of everyone else on the road. But understanding what they feel like they are losing may help us understand some of the anger that comes with it.

Trying to Prove You're Right May Not Work

This is where I think we caregivers can get caught in a trap. We start presenting evidence because we desperately want them to understand.

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“You got lost yesterday.”

“You almost hit that car.”

“You missed the turn again.”

“You can't drive anymore.”

And before you know it, you're arguing.

One of the things dementia taught me is that sometimes you can have all the facts in the world and still not be able to make the person understand what you're trying to explain. If dementia has affected their ability to recognize their own limitations, arguing harder isn't necessarily going to change that.

Sometimes it helps to take yourself out of the position of being the only person making the decision. Talk with their doctor. Tell the doctor privately what you've been seeing, and be specific. Don't just say you're worried about their driving. Explain that they got lost coming home from somewhere familiar, ran a stop sign or came home with a dent they couldn't explain.

Depending on the situation, a healthcare professional may recommend further evaluation or a formal driving assessment. Laws and procedures are different from state to state, so families should also check with their state's driver-licensing agency about the options available where they live.

Sometimes hearing the concern from someone other than the spouse, daughter, son or caregiver can make a difference.

And sometimes it still won't.

What Happens When They Refuse to Stop?

This is where caregiving gets really hard.

What do you do when you know they shouldn't be driving, but they still get up every morning looking for the keys?

Some families end up keeping the keys somewhere else. Others move the vehicle, have another family member take possession of it or find another way to prevent access when the safety risk has become serious.

There isn't one perfect solution that works for every family, and you also have to consider how your loved one is likely to react. But if someone truly cannot drive safely anymore, allowing them to continue simply because we're afraid of upsetting them can put them and other people in danger.

At the same time, I think we have to remember something else.

If we're taking away the keys, we need to think about what we're putting in their place.

They still need to get out of the house. They still need appointments, groceries, haircuts, church, family visits and sometimes just a ride somewhere because they're tired of looking at the same four walls.

Find caregiving help.

If possible, find ways to preserve some of that freedom. Maybe family members can rotate taking them places. Maybe a friend can pick them up for coffee. Some communities have transportation programs for older adults. Depending on the person's abilities and situation, other transportation services may also be an option.

We're trying to remove the danger, not remove their entire world.

Sometimes Loving Them Means Letting Them Be Mad at You

I think this may be one of the hardest lessons in dementia caregiving.

There are going to be times when you make a decision because you love them and they aren't going to see it that way.

They may tell you you're controlling.

They may tell family members you're taking everything away from them.

They may tell everyone they are perfectly capable of driving and you're the problem.

And when you're already exhausted and questioning every decision you make, those words hurt.

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But there comes a point when safety has to matter more than whether they're angry with you.

You aren't taking the keys because you want control.

You aren't doing it to punish them.

You're doing it because you love someone who may no longer be able to recognize the danger themselves.

Sometimes caregiving means protecting someone from something they don't believe they need protection from. And that can be one of the loneliest responsibilities we carry.

Caregivers, Let's Talk About This

I know there are caregivers reading this right now who are in the middle of this exact battle. Maybe you've already taken the keys. Maybe you're watching the warning signs and wondering whether it's time. Maybe your loved one is furious with you because you won't let them drive. Or maybe you're still questioning whether what you're seeing is enough to step in.

So I want to hear from you.

What happened that finally made you realize your loved one shouldn't be driving anymore? Did they willingly give up the keys, or did you have to make that decision for them? And how did you handle it when they thought YOU were the one being unreasonable?

Talk about it in the comments. Someone else may be sitting at home facing the exact same decision and wondering if anyone else understands.

We understand. 💜

💜CareDonna💜

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CareDonna Note: The information shared here is for general caregiver education and support and should not replace medical, legal or professional driving advice. Dementia affects everyone differently, and a dementia diagnosis alone does not automatically determine whether someone can safely drive. If you are concerned about changes in your loved one's driving, speak with their healthcare provider about the specific behaviors you are seeing and check the requirements and resources available through your state's driver-licensing agency.